Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"No" to Television

Don't worry. No talk here of turning off the TV, even though the programming has never, ever been worse.

No, this is a high-minded discussion of ground rules and what two people (me and Jane) have determined we will not ever watch. Enter at your own risk.

The thing is, we live in a one-TV home. And we do so by choice. And we never, ever watch anything with:

Sharks. Charles Bronson. Ex-football players dancing, with or without stars. Charles Krauthammer. The fellas in "Entourage." Howie Mandel. Don Rumsfeld. Any of the cartoon shows around "The Simpsons." Extreme Sports (no exceptions). The ESPN show with the four addled sportswriters in the boxes. Pissed-off chefs. Chefs. Sean Hannity. Adam Sandler. Kelly Ripa. The "Money Honey." Jake Tapper. "American Idol." (Again, no exceptions - Gore Vidal once referred to someone as being "blissfully unburdened by the onus of talent". Who knew it would lead to a hit prime-time show)?

David Spade. "The Deadliest Catch." Jack Bauer. Larry King, except when he interviews Bill Maher or Jon Stewart. Mike Barnicle. Dick Morris. "The View." NASCAR (excepting the Daytona 500). Shows about airplane crashes (excepting Capt. Sulley). Lou Dobbs. All shows with brainless, horny 24-year-olds sharing group houses. All shows about legendary surfer dudes. All interviews with Bono. All interviews with Mike Myers. All interviews with Newt Gingrich. Good cable shows you can't ever find ("The Closer," "Rescue Me"). Ben Stein. "Lost." "According to Jim." Shows about enormously fat people trying to lose weight. Dennis Rodman. Donald Trump.

Cramer. Tila Tequila. The traveling Playboy bunnies who kept Hugh Hefner alive with paint thinner or something. Tucker Carlson. "Unsolved Mysteries." Tyra Banks. "Celtic Woman." Larry Kudlow. "Huckabee." All quiz shows except "Jeopardy." "Fox and Friends." Glenn Beck, of course. "Big Love." The National Basketball Association, until the finals of the playoffs. Karl Rove. Judge Judy. The young women trying to read the news in the morning on CNN and their hunky partners. "Extreme Makeover Home Edition." Any Osbourne, doing anything.

Life's too short, my friends ...

Have I left anything out?

My God, I forgot Nancy Grace...


  1. You forgot Bill Moyers and Charlie Rose -- once great, they are now caricatures of their formerly great selves. And, of course, Mel Kiper, Jr. and Tony Kornheiser -- the latter, of course, I never read, either. Even when I lived in DeeCee. Cheapjack schtick at its absolute worst -- bring back the ghost of Jim Murray.

  2. And add to the list all of the forensic procedural dramas, most notably, NCIS and the CSI franchise. Most offensive of all is CSI Miami with its sensationalised gruesome murders, buxom tight shirted medical examiners and the lousy acting of the red haired guy who has only one expression and cavorts around Miami in a Hummer!